HOUSTON, TX—Televangelist Joel Osteen grew frustrated Thursday morning when he was unable to complete the day's Wordle puzzle because the answer was "BIBLE," a term with which he is not familiar.
Wordle is a popular new game that presents players with a new word puzzle every day. Players have to guess the day's five-letter word in six tries or less to complete the Wordle. Osteen, always quick to jump on the latest trend, initially enjoyed the game and even incorporated it into his sermons.
"I encouraged my flock to play Wordle every day," said Osteen. "It's a great tool for evangelism. You can strike up a conversation with someone about Wordle to get your foot in the door. Then you go in for the hard sell—have them make out a check to cash."
"But I didn't know the game used made-up, fake words," he continued. "What's a 'bee-bull?' Is that English? Am I doing this right?
Scholars say the word, spelled B-I-B-L-E, refers to a collection of writings by multiple authors whose writings were inspired by the Holy Spirit, and which is the inerrant Word of God. The book calls sinners to repent of their sin, take up their cross, and follow Jesus.
"Take up their cross? That sounds made up," said Osteen as he searched the App Store for a better game.
At publishing time, Joel Osteen had begun playing a mobile game called "Super Idle Money" in which the player taps the screen to increase the size of their bank account. "I had no idea Christian games had gotten so good," said Osteen.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."