LOS ANGELES, CA—As the Super Bowl approaches, Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti has instituted a citywide "hold-your-breath" order to keep people safe during the big game.
"As I said earlier this week when reporters asked me why I wasn't wearing a mask at the NFC Championship game, I was holding my breath, so it was ok," said the Mayor to reporters. "There is a zero percent chance of infection if you're holding your breath. That's just science. That's why today I'm issuing a 'hold-your-breath' mandate. If everyone just holds their breath for 15 days, we'll get through this thing. We're all in this together!"
"Now 3... 2... 1... HOLD YOUR BREATH!"
At Mayor Garcetti's order, all the journalists at the press conference took a deep breath and held it until they all turned blue and passed out, leaving only Mayor Garcetti standing.
When asked later why he hadn't followed his own order to stop breathing, Garcetti told the press he had been wearing a mask, so it was ok.
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."