WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Supreme Court is reorganizing its docket so it can rule on an affirmative action case before a new affirmative action justice is appointed. President Joe Biden, who has pledged to appoint a black woman to the court, will be forced to nominate a justice on pure merit if SCOTUS rules affirmative action to be unconstitutional.
"It is unconstitutional," said Chief Justice John Roberts. "I mean, I'm not supposed to talk about this sort of thing before we actually hear arguments, but come on. I mean, seriously, you guys."
"Affirmative action served a purpose as America dissolved segregation but it's woefully out of date," he continued. "At this rate, we'll be stuck with a bunch of Sotomayors. For God's sake, I am not a babysitter!"
The court will increase its caseload, skipping lunches to squeeze them all in before Biden's nomination is confirmed. Everyone other than Sotomayor agrees affirmative action is an important topic.
"But how people get job?" Sotomayor asked her colleagues without further elaboration.
Legal experts believe affirmative action will be blocked by the court when it hears the case in the coming weeks. However, if arguments run long, Biden may sneak in a new justice based solely on skin color and gender that cannot be removed for the rest of her life.
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."