PACIFIC—According to sources, a local man was devoured by several hungry Great White Sharks off the coast of California today after several failed attempts to calm down the murderous creatures by apologizing to them.
"Look, these creatures charging me with their blood-drenched teeth and soulless black eyes seem reasonable," said the man. "I must've done something to anger them or hurt their feelings! I should just do the right thing and apologize to them."
"Hey there Mr. Shark!" said the man to one of the creatures chewing through his left leg. "I am deeply sorry for any comments I may have made in the past that were hurtful and damaging to the shark community. This has been a time of learning and growth for me. I'm grateful for you and others like you who have called me to 'do better.' I am deeply sorry."
The shark then chewed off the man's right leg as well.
"I suppose I deserved that," said the man. "Thank you for holding me accountable."
Sources say the man apologized to the brainless underwater killing machines several times until they devoured the rest of him. The man is survived by his family and friends, all of whom have now disowned him.
Medics arrived on the scene to find only half of a severed arm left in the water. The severed arm has been hired by The Daily Wire.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
Barron Tries To Blend In On Campus By Putting His Knees In His Shoes And Walking Around Like A Normal-Height Person
"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
Congress Warns Trump's Attempts To End War In Ukraine Could Result In End Of War In Ukraine
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."
