HOLLYWOOD, CA—In a recently published press release nobody read, a movie nobody watched raised nobody’s eyebrows by being nominated to receive multiple awards at a ceremony nobody watches.
“The movie was outstanding, a masterpiece of cinema sure to inspire generations of film auteurs,” said a member of an academy nobody heard of during a press conference nobody attended.
The nominated movie nobody watched may very well be added to the long list of other award-winners nobody watched from a movie studio nobody cares about run by an executive producer nobody wants to be caught alone in a room with. Other memorable films by the studio include The Movie About a Dysfunctional Family Nobody Watched, as well as The Historical Drama About Past Societal Grievances Nobody Watched Either.
The movie’s star-studded cast of actors nobody recognizes will begin interview tours of daytime and late-night shows nobody can stand watching, while movie critics nobody has heard of will soon voice their own opinions nobody asked for on podcasts nobody has downloaded.
Hollywood columnists nobody reads are already reporting one actor nobody likes nominated for a category nobody knew existed has already begun writing an acceptance speech nobody will hear.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
