HOLLYWOOD, CA—In a recently published press release nobody read, a movie nobody watched raised nobody’s eyebrows by being nominated to receive multiple awards at a ceremony nobody watches.
“The movie was outstanding, a masterpiece of cinema sure to inspire generations of film auteurs,” said a member of an academy nobody heard of during a press conference nobody attended.
The nominated movie nobody watched may very well be added to the long list of other award-winners nobody watched from a movie studio nobody cares about run by an executive producer nobody wants to be caught alone in a room with. Other memorable films by the studio include The Movie About a Dysfunctional Family Nobody Watched, as well as The Historical Drama About Past Societal Grievances Nobody Watched Either.
The movie’s star-studded cast of actors nobody recognizes will begin interview tours of daytime and late-night shows nobody can stand watching, while movie critics nobody has heard of will soon voice their own opinions nobody asked for on podcasts nobody has downloaded.
Hollywood columnists nobody reads are already reporting one actor nobody likes nominated for a category nobody knew existed has already begun writing an acceptance speech nobody will hear.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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Barron Tries To Blend In On Campus By Putting His Knees In His Shoes And Walking Around Like A Normal-Height Person
"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
Congress Warns Trump's Attempts To End War In Ukraine Could Result In End Of War In Ukraine
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."
