NEW YORK, NY—Security footage newly uncovered by Special Counsel Durham shows Hillary Clinton sneaking into the Trump Tower server room to steal campaign secrets and plant incriminating links to Russia.
In the shocking surveillance video, Hillary is seen dropping down from the ceiling to avoid high-tech laser sensors and the motion-activated floor alarm. She appears to plug a miniature keyboard into a terminal and executes a command script to presumably scramble the server with Russian propaganda. The footage cuts out when Clinton appears to notice the camera and targets it with a portable EMP device.
"The video was lost until now," claimed a federal agent who spoke to the press on condition of anonymity. "We had to piece the footage together from damaged data, but we now know for sure that Hillary Rodham Clinton was involved in spying on Trump." As soon as he finished speaking, several red laser dots appeared on his forehead and he recanted his statement.
Clinton, who appeared feeble during her presidential run, is seen performing a number of graceful acrobatic moves on the tape.
"I was right. Of course, I was right. I always am," said former president Trump. "I am completely and totally vindicated. Hillary Clinton is a criminal and a fat loser and I should have locked her up when I had the chance. What a shame! Too bad!"
As a result of the devastating revelation, the former senator and first lady will be facing no consequences of any kind.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."