BEIJING—The entire U.S. men's curling team was disqualified from further play this week after a drug test revealed obscene levels of raw, unadulterated masculinity.
"We've never seen testosterone levels even remotely this high in our lives," said Olympic Committee Chair Ronsoy Boogerlilly. "When we tested these men's blood, our testosterone meter started spinning wildly before exploding. We're not sure whether this level of majestic power is natural or not, but it's definitely too much for our Olympic games."
The men will be banished back to the mysterious mountain domain from whence they came, where they will disappear into the mist and hibernate until the next Olympic games. Legends say the redheaded Matt Hamilton will then use ancient powers to hew a new curling stone directly from the mountain rock before returning in triumph to win the gold for America.
"Someday they will return," said Boogerlilly, "but right now, the world simply isn't ready for this level of rugged, virile, brawny manliness."
It was later confirmed the disqualified men had been consuming performance-enhancing Keystone Light.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
Barron Tries To Blend In On Campus By Putting His Knees In His Shoes And Walking Around Like A Normal-Height Person
"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
Congress Warns Trump's Attempts To End War In Ukraine Could Result In End Of War In Ukraine
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."
