WASHINGTON, D.C.—Scientists for the Democratic party have announced a surprise change in science, after previous science was determined to be too unpopular to remain science.
“We’ve been poring over the data, specifically the opinions of suburban women in swing states, and it’s become clear that masking children has suddenly become completely ineffective for preventing COVID,” said Democratic pollster scientist Bob McNeill. “It’s really a shocking turnaround, as just last week masks were super effective and anyone who disagreed was a murderer. Gosh, science is amazing!”
CNN’s Jim Acosta, who just last week called optional masking “worse than a Soviet police state”, hailed the remarkable breakthrough. “Once again, this shows how Democrats lead the way. Last week, we lead the way in accusing people of child abuse if they didn't put a muzzle on a two-year-old. Now, this week, we are again leading the way in removing outdated mask mandates—and it just feels so good to be able to look parents in the eye and say 'you're welcome.' Now come, you poor ingrates, come and let your faces, at last, gaze once again upon my handsomeness!"
At publishing time, Jen Psaki was decrying Republicans as the party of masking children while her fan club nodded furiously.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
