The Babylon Bee
Comedy • News • Culture
Fake news you can trust.
Interested? Want to learn more about the community?

Learn more first
Deranged Sociopaths Show Up On Time Instead Of 10 Minutes Late Like Normal Human Beings

COLUMBUS, IN—According to sources close to the Maclean family, the couple showed up to a hang-out/dinner/maybe-board-games-if-things-get-wild event right on time, instead of ten minutes late like normal human beings.

"Who the heck is that?" a confused Bridget Werner asked her husband Ted as the doorbell rang at 5:00 on the dot. "It can't be... no... they wouldn't..."

She peaked out through the blinds, and sure enough, to her horror, the Macleans were right outside the door, smiling and ready to party.

"What's wrong with these people?" Ted muttered. "I'm not even wearing pants yet. Honey, have you seen my pants?"

"Upstairs, three paces to the right of the landing, hanging from the cupboard door handle," she muttered absentmindedly.

She opened the door and greeted the insane psychopaths who showed up to the event on time. "Heee-eeeey!" she said. The absolute basket cases then both gave her a full-body hug despite her clearly reaching out for a handshake.

At publishing time, the total psychos had lugged in a selection of over twelve board games to pick from, each of which takes around three hours to play.

post photo preview
Interested? Want to learn more about the community?

Learn more first
What else you may like…
Videos
Posts
🎙Christianity, Star Wars Prequels, and Staying In California | The Dave Rubin Interview

Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books

The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.

00:50:59
February 19, 2025

Barron Tries To Blend In On Campus By Putting His Knees In His Shoes And Walking Around Like A Normal-Height Person

"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."

https://babylonbee.com/news/barron-tries-to-blend-in-on-campus-by-putting-his-knees-in-his-shoes-and-walking-around-like-a-normal-height-person

February 19, 2025

Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals

"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."

https://babylonbee.com/news/healthy-vegan-food-carefully-constructed-in-laboratory-using-957-chemicals

February 19, 2025

Congress Warns Trump's Attempts To End War In Ukraine Could Result In End Of War In Ukraine

"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."

https://babylonbee.com/news/congress-warns-trumps-attempts-to-end-war-in-ukraine-could-result-in-end-of-war-in-ukraine

Available on mobile and TV devices
google store google store app store app store
google store google store app tv store app tv store amazon store amazon store roku store roku store
Powered by Locals