WASHINGTON, D.C.—Meeting in a top-secret, smoke-filled war room, U.S. generals agreed on a plan earlier this week to invade the foreign dictatorship known as "Canada" and establish a democracy there.
"Gentlemen, it's time," said General Butch "Meathead" Tanner of the U.S. Army as he munched a cigar. "We can't let this evil, religious zealot Trudeau oppress his people any longer. It's time to let freedom ring."
"And by 'let freedom ring', of course, I mean 'rain down an ungodly amount of explosives,'" he added. "I love democracy."
A few generals urged caution, pointing out that getting involved in a land war in Canada was "one of the classic blunders," though they were later shouted down as that's actually land wars in Asia. Eventually, the vote was unanimous, and troops were mobilized along the Canadian border. Tanks began churning through the snow, running over moose and beavers, and F-22 Raptors screamed into Ottawa blasting away tons of bogeys, which were later revealed to be geese. Horrified Royal Mounties ran away from the combined arms assault, apologizing profusely.
Commander-in-Chief Joe Biden will be notified of the invasion at a later date, or whenever his nap time is over, whichever comes first.
At publishing time, it had been revealed that the plan all along was just to get their strategic reserves of maple syrup.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
