WASHINGTON, D.C.—With Russia poised to tear through Eastern Europe with terrifying military power, Biden warned Putin that if he doesn't stop advancing his army, he will be forced to deploy his deadly trans admiral.
"You think I'm joking, Vlad! I ain't messin' around here! You don't want me to use this!" said Biden to Putin in a Zoom call, motioning to a portrait of transgender admiral and Assistant HHS Secretary Admiral Rachel Levine. "This is the deadliest weapon the United States has ever produced, and I won't hesitate to use it on you! Watch out!"
Diversity and inclusion experts speculate the firepower in just one trans admiral is capable of leveling 3 Russian cities to the ground using the incredible destructive power of intersectional identity politics. Foreign policy experts believe Russia is outmatched by America's stunning diversity and inclusion capabilities and will soon be forced to surrender.
Sources say Ukrainian citizens will certainly sleep better tonight knowing the power of diversity is on their side.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."