BETHESDA, MD—Sources within Lockheed Martin confirmed today that loud cheering was heard coming from the defense contractor's executive board room.
The cheers coincided with the invasion of Ukraine by Russia, as multiple voices within the U.S. condemned the attack and suggested that America intervene in the dispute.
"YEEEEEAH!!!!" came a cry echoing through the building. The sounds of high-fives, pounding on the conference table, and a loud, thumping chest bump were also heard. At one point, a chant erupted of, "WAR! WAR! WAR!" Some employees claim they heard the sound of a champagne bottle being opened, while others say confetti poppers went off throughout the morning.
One source said they heard a repetitive metal tapping sound, which was later confirmed to be the sound of sabers rattling, while another said she heard a loud, rhythmic booming, which was later confirmed to be war drums.
At publishing time, sources had confirmed that Lockheed Martin was throwing a free pizza party for all employees at their main offices.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
