CHARLESTON, SC—A local woman was found dead yesterday after her husband failed to bring her a blanket fast enough. The couple had reportedly sat down to binge-watch Gilmore Girls for the fifth time when his wife asked him to retrieve a blanket from the hall closet. However, by the time he returned it was already too late. Angelica Shardstone was dead, a look of betrayal frozen on her face.
Paramedics arrived on the scene shortly thereafter but were unable to revive the 32-year-old woman. Police were called to the scene when an EMT noted the woman had no blanket.
"People make me sick," said hard-nosed ambulance driver Jason Ash. "I've seen a lot in my day but there were blankets just down the hall and this woman had nothing. No real husband would let that happen."
Authorities retained the husband for questioning.
"I don't understand it," said Jim Shardstone, husband of the deceased as he wept bitterly at the funeral. "She said she was feeling 'a teensy bit cold' but I never expected this. It was 70 degrees outside!"
According to sources, the death was thought to be accidental until cell phone records for the husband discovered he delayed retrieving the blanket because he was busy looking at memes on his phone.
The District Attorney is expected to file charges on Monday.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
Barron Tries To Blend In On Campus By Putting His Knees In His Shoes And Walking Around Like A Normal-Height Person
"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
Congress Warns Trump's Attempts To End War In Ukraine Could Result In End Of War In Ukraine
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."
