SEATTLE—Local woman Katie Chambers sat down to brunch with her friends at a popular vegan cafe in downtown Seattle where they gossiped about men, sex, and the land invasion of Ukraine by Russian forces.
"World War 3 is really stressing me out," said Katie, literally shaking. "I have Pilates at 3, but if we all die in, like, a nuclear war or something, what does it even matter how toned my arms are?" Katie then broke down sobbing as her friends tried to comfort her.
Experts say that of all the people around the world facing the war in Ukraine, wealthy single women may be affected more than anyone else. "The emotional and psychological damage being experienced by privileged white girls as they face their own mortality is catastrophic," said researcher Dr. Alvin Melbourne. "Someone needs to do something to help these poor women!"
According to sources, Katie Chambers then stood and toasted her friends with a glass of champagne. "I don't know what I'd do without you all," she said. "You are the best friends a girl could ask for!"
Sources say she began feeling better after their third round of mimosas.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
