KYIV—After successfully equipping the Ukrainians with Starlink terminals to help them access the internet amid waves of Russian cyberattacks, Elon Musk announced he was also delivering a special surprise to help Ukrainians defend their nation.
"I have authorized the delivery of our latest Cybertruck variant designed for military use: the Cybertank," said Musk. "The tanks will shoot fire instead of artillery shells because that's just cool. Fire is cool. I mean, who wouldn't want an electric tank that shoots fire, right?" Musk then laughed awkwardly.
The Cybertank delivery marks Musk's latest effort to do everything a world power or multi-nation alliance can do—such as defending the freedom of an allied nation—except way cheaper and more awesome.
"I don't like to make weapons, but I didn't see any world governments offering to defend Ukraine with bulletproof flamethrower tanks from the future that can go 500 miles on a single charge, so I figured I should probably do something about that," he said.
As a special bonus, every tank will come preloaded with a set of custom sound effects that can automatically yell obscenities at Russian warships. Cool!
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."