Are you having trouble getting your fallout shelter in order in time for the brisk nuclear winter that is certainly coming? Have no fear--we at The Babylon Bee are experts in doomsday prepping!
Use this list to ensure you have everything you need:
1) A ten-year supply of Goya Beans and a lead-lined MyPillow: Both are on sale. Don't delay, act now!
2) A shotgun with a chainsaw attachment: Every bunker needs at least one.
3) A KJV Bible: You can't get to heaven without an authorized 1611 KJV!
4) Pocket English-Russian Dictionary: Есть только два пола.
5) Tuttle Twins Books: Might have a better shot of building back better with these books for reference.
6) A scalpel in case your gender changes: You don't want to be caught without a life-saving gender transition kit.
7) Laminated vaccine card and spare masks: Don't forget, we're in a pandemic!
8) All 4 seasons of Battlestar Galactica: If humanity ends, at least you'll be able to enjoy mankind's crowning artistic achievement.
9) Solar panels to combat global warming as we rebuild civilization: Don't you care about the climate?!
10) All of Obama's memoirs: They are very effective at knocking out intruders.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
State and local officials rush to create a catalog of minors to hand over to those on the Epstein client list.
"We want to protect the children" This new bill (Illinois SB 3977) is very similar to the recently passed California bill (and the introduced Colorado bill) and, if passed, would set a deadline of January 1st, 2028 for compliance.
https://legiscan.com/IL/bill/SB3977/2025
Barron Tries To Blend In On Campus By Putting His Knees In His Shoes And Walking Around Like A Normal-Height Person
"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
