Are you having trouble getting your fallout shelter in order in time for the brisk nuclear winter that is certainly coming? Have no fear--we at The Babylon Bee are experts in doomsday prepping!
Use this list to ensure you have everything you need:
1) A ten-year supply of Goya Beans and a lead-lined MyPillow: Both are on sale. Don't delay, act now!
2) A shotgun with a chainsaw attachment: Every bunker needs at least one.
3) A KJV Bible: You can't get to heaven without an authorized 1611 KJV!
4) Pocket English-Russian Dictionary: Есть только два пола.
5) Tuttle Twins Books: Might have a better shot of building back better with these books for reference.
6) A scalpel in case your gender changes: You don't want to be caught without a life-saving gender transition kit.
7) Laminated vaccine card and spare masks: Don't forget, we're in a pandemic!
8) All 4 seasons of Battlestar Galactica: If humanity ends, at least you'll be able to enjoy mankind's crowning artistic achievement.
9) Solar panels to combat global warming as we rebuild civilization: Don't you care about the climate?!
10) All of Obama's memoirs: They are very effective at knocking out intruders.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
