KYIV, UKRAINE—Desperate to stop the Russians from advancing further, Ukrainians have resorted to extreme measures to keep their enemy from advancing on their capital city. Reports now indicate that Ukrainian soldiers are launching copies of ‘Elden Ring’ into Russian territory in hopes that the newly released video game will distract and stop Russians in their tracks.
“It’s worth a shot. I mean I know I’d rather be immersing myself in the absolute masterpiece that is Hidetaka Miyazaki’s ‘Elden Ring’ than fighting a war,” said Ukrainian soldier Artem Boryslav while stuffing a mortar with dozens of copies of ‘Elden Ring’. “Once they start exploring this intricately crafted world, the Russian army won’t be able to put it down.”
Sources claim that even military strategists have given this operation their full support. “We realize the addictive nature of repeatedly failing and failing against seemingly undefeatable opponents, only to realize the sheer euphoria that comes after defeating a boss,” explained military strategist Boydan Dymetrus. “We believe that launching this irresistible game in front of the Russian soldiers will keep them occupied for weeks to come.”
Since the deployment of ‘Elden Ring’ copies, Russian activity in the area has come to a screeching halt. Ukrainians have launched counterattacks against the distracted Russians to regain Ukrainian territory.
At publishing time, Russians called for another week of ceasefire so they might finish their game and become Elden Lords, but Ukrainian soldiers simply responded with “GIT GUD.”
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