U.S.—With mask mandates going away around the country, many progressives are feeling lost, confused, and frustrated. According to sources, the nation's progressives will move forward in a maskless world by electing to just wear t-shirts that say "I AM A GOOD PERSON" on the front.
"During COVID, my mask became an outward symbol of my superior empathy, goodness, and knowledge of Dr. Fauci's daily briefings," said Mortimer Snodgrass, a progressive. "I'm happy we have these shirts to let the world know that we are one of the good people." Snodgrass then turned to throw dog poop at a passing Trump supporter in a MAGA hat.
The shirts will be sold by NIKE and skillfully made by Uyghur slaves in China. They will sell for $500, with 20% of the proceeds donated to Greta Thunberg's organization "School Strike 4 Climate," and another 20% donated to AOC's reelection to help her defeat capitalism.
NIKE will also make a special edition t-shirt especially for conservatives that say "I AM A BAD PERSON."
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."