U.S.—With mask mandates going away around the country, many progressives are feeling lost, confused, and frustrated. According to sources, the nation's progressives will move forward in a maskless world by electing to just wear t-shirts that say "I AM A GOOD PERSON" on the front.
"During COVID, my mask became an outward symbol of my superior empathy, goodness, and knowledge of Dr. Fauci's daily briefings," said Mortimer Snodgrass, a progressive. "I'm happy we have these shirts to let the world know that we are one of the good people." Snodgrass then turned to throw dog poop at a passing Trump supporter in a MAGA hat.
The shirts will be sold by NIKE and skillfully made by Uyghur slaves in China. They will sell for $500, with 20% of the proceeds donated to Greta Thunberg's organization "School Strike 4 Climate," and another 20% donated to AOC's reelection to help her defeat capitalism.
NIKE will also make a special edition t-shirt especially for conservatives that say "I AM A BAD PERSON."
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."