CULVER CITY, CA—Sony Pictures Studios has added its voice to those of corporations all around the world protesting Russia's incursion into Ukraine. Studio execs announced this week that for all digital streaming and physical copies of Rocky IV, they will blur out all depictions of the character Captian Ivan Drago, a boxing champion from Soviet Russia.
"We stand with Ukraine here at Sony," said VP Stacy Green. "We understand that depictions of the villainous Russian Drago may be seen as insensitive to many viewers during these difficult times. While we will not cut any scenes from the beloved film, all scenes featuring the Russian character will be pixelated."
Execs also confirmed that all instances of the word "Russia" will be dubbed with less upsetting words, "rubber ducky," "rascal," and "f--- Putin."
Other studios are already following Sony's lead, removing depictions of Russians from movies like Rambo and Red Dawn. Hollywood hopes their collective efforts will help counteract the millions the Biden Administration is spending on Russian oil.
At the time of publication, it is still unclear whether any of this is helping.
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."