CULVER CITY, CA—Sony Pictures Studios has added its voice to those of corporations all around the world protesting Russia's incursion into Ukraine. Studio execs announced this week that for all digital streaming and physical copies of Rocky IV, they will blur out all depictions of the character Captian Ivan Drago, a boxing champion from Soviet Russia.
"We stand with Ukraine here at Sony," said VP Stacy Green. "We understand that depictions of the villainous Russian Drago may be seen as insensitive to many viewers during these difficult times. While we will not cut any scenes from the beloved film, all scenes featuring the Russian character will be pixelated."
Execs also confirmed that all instances of the word "Russia" will be dubbed with less upsetting words, "rubber ducky," "rascal," and "f--- Putin."
Other studios are already following Sony's lead, removing depictions of Russians from movies like Rambo and Red Dawn. Hollywood hopes their collective efforts will help counteract the millions the Biden Administration is spending on Russian oil.
At the time of publication, it is still unclear whether any of this is helping.
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"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."