LAS VEGAS, NV—Itching to get back in the spotlight, Dr. Anthony Fauci has agreed to box Jake Paul at Caesar's Palace. He hopes that by going twelve rounds with the social media personality, he'll be able to regain some lost relevancy.
"Win or lose, people will be talking about me and that's exactly what I need right now," said Dr. Fauci in a pre-fight press conference. "I'm training hard, but I figure even if I get knocked out cold in the first few minutes I'll at least get an interview with Colbert. Hey Colbert, old buddy! CALL ME!"
ESPN Senior Boxing Writer Dan Rafael asked, "Dr. Fauci, how are you preparing for this fight?"
"You know, that's a great question. I've been walking around the mall most mornings," he answered. "It encourages positive blood flow and since I don't have to pretend masks do anything anymore I can walk mask-free. It's been very relaxing, thank you."
"But doctor, do you think you even stand a chance?" asked Las Vegas Sun reporter Hearst Joe-Bean.
"You know, it's just too soon to tell," he said as Jake Paul tried not to laugh. "The secret elite group I belong to didn't think I could bring the entire world to a screeching halt with a virus I manufactured in my Wuhan lab, but I showed them. Don't underestimate me. Anything is possible if you follow the SCIENCE."
At publishing time, Dr. Fauci broke his leg after stepping off an escalator. The fight has been delayed by two weeks, at which point the boxing commission will re-assess.
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