COMPTON, CA—As gas prices surge, rappers and other wealthy celebrities have started replacing their usual gold bling with gasoline cans to show off to the world they finally made it.
"Fo' sho', it's gas time, son!" said Snoop Dog, while high rollin' off some exotic with lye and straight-up premium unleaded Chevron.
Eminem was also spotted hanging out with Drake and 50 Cent at Effigy Studios, wearing gas cans around their neck. The sweet ride they drove was also towing a trailer full of oil drums. "We's cod with some feddle, makin' that dough, you feel me?" said 50 Cent.
The gas crisis has incidentally fueled an appreciation for fossil fuels among rappers and other less important celebrities. Fans are now looking up to lit rappers and idolizing the same things they do.
Authorities in the city of Compton have found the change a mostly positive experience.
"We're dealing with a lot fewer drugs on the street," said Officer Fellow Beaverman. "There's been a spike in black market fuel trades but everyone is sober so I call it a win for the D.A.R.E. program."
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"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."