TALLAHASSEE, FL—Just hours after Ron Desantis signed the hateful "Dont Say Gay" Bill, state officials have reported that all of their jails are practically overflowing and approaching their breaking point. This controversial and homophobic bill is the first of its kind, where a specific word of the English language has become a jailable offense.
"We're out of room to put all these criminals!" said Tallahassee PD Officer Rusty Hankerage. "Ever since the law has passed it seems everyone's saying ga—um I mean 'you-know-what.' And frankly, we're not paid enough to make this many arrests. The whole thing is 'you-know-what' in my opinion."
"We read the bill and it clearly says not to give classroom instruction on sexual orientation or gender identity in kindergarten through third grade—which obviously means arrest and imprison anyone caught saying the word 'G-A-Y,'" explained Officer Hankerage, carefully spelling out the word.
Florida PD is asking for more facilities to house all the criminals. They explained that most of the offenders put behind bars have been activists, kids playing Call of Duty, attention-seeking celebrities, and only a handful of gay people. They said they are doing their best to make accommodations, but they're simply running out of room to store them all.
At publishing time, Governor Ron DeSantis read directly from the bill stating, "It's to prevent inappropriate grooming and indoctrination. In fact, the bill never even says the word 'gay.'" DeSantis was then promptly tackled and handcuffed for saying the word "gay."
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."