LAKE JACKSON, TX—Libertarian demigod Ron Paul apologized to his supporters on Wednesday as he sealed himself up in an underground bunker to weather the collapse of the American dollar.
"I did the best I could," said the former congressional representative. "Now please stand aside or the vault door will grind you to death in its massive gears."
"Please, Mr. Paul! Don't abandon us now!" implored a half-baked libertarian. "If you just help us get this petition signed—"
"Sorry, fella,' no can do! Petitions play into a flawed system!" he said as he kicked the man back into a throng of fans. "I'll remember you when it's time to rebuild!"
The vault door sealed with a hiss as it pressurized itself against a failing economy. Directionless libertarians then wandered the grounds, unsure what to do with themselves.
The events of the day were recorded in a bevy of postings on the incredibly popular social media platform Parler.
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