LAKE JACKSON, TX—Libertarian demigod Ron Paul apologized to his supporters on Wednesday as he sealed himself up in an underground bunker to weather the collapse of the American dollar.
"I did the best I could," said the former congressional representative. "Now please stand aside or the vault door will grind you to death in its massive gears."
"Please, Mr. Paul! Don't abandon us now!" implored a half-baked libertarian. "If you just help us get this petition signed—"
"Sorry, fella,' no can do! Petitions play into a flawed system!" he said as he kicked the man back into a throng of fans. "I'll remember you when it's time to rebuild!"
The vault door sealed with a hiss as it pressurized itself against a failing economy. Directionless libertarians then wandered the grounds, unsure what to do with themselves.
The events of the day were recorded in a bevy of postings on the incredibly popular social media platform Parler.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
