TALLAHASSEE, FL—Governor Ron DeSantis has signed a bill into law stating that no one is allowed to teach kids 3rd grade or younger using creepy, sexually inappropriate, and graphic materials. The bill specifically prohibits discussing sexual orientation or gender identity—which has obviously put sex offenders, pedophiles, and Democrats in panic mode.

"We've been dealt a massive blow. This is utterly devastating to us," said Tom Peepers, a registered sex offender. "I used to be a guest speaker at local elementary schools. There I would indoctrinate—I mean educate kids on fun things to try when their parents weren't around, but now what am I supposed to do?"

Florida pedophiles, democrats, and sex offenders have set up an emergency meeting to address what actions they should take moving forward. Many teachers have resigned, vowing to flee to other states more tolerant of teaching kindergarteners how to have sex with each other and themselves. "If we can't influence kids while they barely know how to read, our job becomes much harder." said concerned pedophile Chester Bovervitz.

"It's horrific! I can't read to kids sexually suggestive books or show them pornographic images," said Seidi Bundleflub—a gender-nonconforming local teacher who is a registered Democrat and sex offender. "And now by law, we have to tell parents what their child identifies as. Their sexuality and gender used to be our dirty little secret!"

At publishing time, all the sex offenders, pedophiles, and Democrats were spotted protesting outside DeSantis's office until the bill was removed. They were throwing themselves on the ground, writhing, and foaming at the mouth while shouting "GAY!" to show DeSantis they were serious.