WASHINGTON, D.C.—Upon reading a communiqué describing Amercans’ growing discomfort with record-breaking gas prices, coupled with dependence on foreign oil, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg, clad in an elaborate 18th-century royal gown, announced to his twittering entourage, “Let them drive Teslas.”
“It is an absurdly simple solution to our domestic energy crisis. Does the peasantry not understand what an electric car is?” scoffed Buttigieg while hiding a delicate laugh behind his silken kerchief. “I do say, if they lack the simple notion of what a Tesla is, I must declare them a hopeless, wretched class of people.”
When a thoughtful member of Buttigieg’s powdered retinue suggested that commoners may, in fact, understand what a Tesla was, but lacked the financial resources to simply turn to a servant and request one at any time, Buttigieg sent him to the guillotine then sipped his champagne and reflected on the suggestion that icky-sticky vassals lacked access to Teslas.
After some time thinking, studying, and playing croquet, the former mayor of South Bend, Indiana proposed a new federal program that would provide every scamp, guttersnipe, and dismal member of the rabble class a servant to whom they could turn and ask for a Tesla.
When asked how this expansive federal program would be funded, Buttigieg said, “Let them ask the servants for money.”
The entourage erupted in dainty applause at their lord’s noble genius.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
Barron Tries To Blend In On Campus By Putting His Knees In His Shoes And Walking Around Like A Normal-Height Person
"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
Congress Warns Trump's Attempts To End War In Ukraine Could Result In End Of War In Ukraine
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."
