WASHINGTON, D.C.—Russia's invasion of Ukraine has continued to escalate and Washington has wasted no time in pledging support. According to sources, Congress has voted unanimously to send Ukraine a $600 stimulus check.
"We did it!" cheered Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. "Now the bill goes to—" she glanced down at her notes before continuing, "the President to sign! Then just six short months for the treasury to process the check and the war will be over! WE DID IT!"
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi patted AOC on the back while downing a bottle of wine.
In her daily press briefing, Jen Psaki communicated the president's intention to sign the bill as soon as possible. "We're going to fly everyone out to Detroit because it looks exactly like Ukraine. We will then stage a signing there with a desk set in the middle of the street. It'll be a great photo opportunity for the President."
"I mean, for Ukraine," she added quickly.
Members of congress rewarded themselves for their hard work by voting for a 21% raise in yet another unanimous decision. A record three in a row!
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."