BABYLON—According to sources not yet thrown into the fiery furnace, The Babylon Bee was taken by Twitter and thrown into a fiery furnace after refusing to worship the massive, gold-trimmed pride flag erected by the great Queen Nebujacknezzar (they/them).
“All of Twitter’s users have been informed of the terms and conditions that clearly allow us to throw them in a fiery furnace if they don't agree with our radical gender theories,” said the royal policy intern, Juniper (ze/zer/zoo). “In refusing to be an ally and bow down to this gorgeous, courageous flag, The Babylon Bee’s getting tossed into the fiery furnace. Toodles!”
Reports confirm that Twitter was pretty wroth and full of fury at The Babylon Bee, and therefore heated the furnace to temperatures far exceeding the industry standard for people-burning furnaces.
At publishing time, eyewitness accounts report that The Babylon Bee was thrown into the fiery furnace.
BREAKING UPDATE: The Babylon Bee has been seen by multiple witnesses standing within the scorching furnace, seemingly unscathed and whipping out a flurry of leftist-owning headlines.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."