WASHINGTON, D.C.—Supreme Court nominee Ketanji Brown Jackson started her Senate confirmation hearings today. She has become known as a judge with a history of giving light sentences to sex offenders and pedophiles, but she's not too worried as she's being questioned by a roomful of sex offenders and pedophiles.
"Thank you for being here, and thank you for the light sentence you gave me last year," said 371-year-old Senator and prolific sex offender Dick Durban. "We know you'll be a great addition to the Supreme Court."
"Welp! I think we've seen enough! You're in!" he said, slamming his notebook shut.
"Me too!" said Lindsey Graham.
All the other sex offenders in attendance nodded their agreement, many saying Ketanji Brown Jackson was the most brilliant nominee they had ever seen.
In preparation for her ascension to the bench, she is currently reading some books on what a "Constitution" is.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
Barron Tries To Blend In On Campus By Putting His Knees In His Shoes And Walking Around Like A Normal-Height Person
"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
Congress Warns Trump's Attempts To End War In Ukraine Could Result In End Of War In Ukraine
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."
