U.S.–The CDC has recently updated its recommended self-isolation protocol for those who test positive for COVID-19. Now, the CDC recommends either staying home or going to see Marvel’s Morbius in theaters to stay as far away from others as possible.
“Covid is not over, people! We must continue to take extreme measures when testing positive for COVID,” explained CDC spokesperson Dr. Jeff Blakesfield. “That’s why we recommend isolating yourself from other people for at least 5 days in a remote location like your bedroom or a screening of Morbius.”
The CDC continued to explain that now people with COVID can feel free to leave their homes and safely catch any showings of Morbius. “Whether it’s Jared Leto as a superhero or a supervillain, you can be sure you’re not infecting others when you watch him on the big screen,” added Dr. Blakesfield. “We truly are fortunate to have such a big-budget film with dedicated theaters, providing us with the perfect location to send those who are infected.”
According to sources, not all responses have been as positive to this announcement. “Honey, I’ve got COVID and the worst part is they’re sending me straight to an empty, secluded theater that’s playing Morbius,” said local dad Heath Wagner after testing positive.
At publishing time, Morbius was greenlit for a sequel in hopes of providing a place to isolate in case a new variant emerges next year.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
