GARDEN OF EDEN—A lackadaisical Adam really phoned it in with his latest animal name, deciding to just call the flying bug he was presented with 'fly'.
"Really? That's the best you got?" boomed the voice of the Lord Almighty. "I gave you one job, Man. I knew I should have named these things myself. Just last week, I spend all this time lovingly designing this amazing creature, and Adam looks up and says 'peacock'. Give me a break."
"I'm running out of ideas, ok?" said Adam as he sprawled out on the grass. "I nailed rhinoceros and hippopotamus. I'm pretty proud of aardvark. But there are so many animals to name, and I just want to actually enjoy literal paradise. Let's get this over with."
Adam then proceeded to dole out the names 'blobfish', 'mountain chicken', and 'crazy ant'. An exasperated God finally put a stop to the naming after Adam declared one of the Lord's creations 'dik-dik'.
"That's it," said God. "This man needs a woman."
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."