TULSA, OK—Local dad Jasper McTubbins called it a day as far as parenting responsibilities were concerned after he paused for a moment from polishing his golf clubs in the garage so he could yell, “Listen to your mother!” at the kids.
“Thanks, dear,” replied his wife, Angela, as she simultaneously cooked a three-course meal, helped the twins with their algebra, bathed the toddler, and practiced hymns on the piano in preparation for Sunday’s church service. “Any chance you got the lawnmower working out there?”
“Um, ya, getting there,” said Jasper as he stared down the graphite shaft of his pitching wedge, hoping to see it bent so he could explain to his buddies why his short game was off lately.
At publishing time, Jasper went the extra mile by yelling "listen to your mother!" again, except a little louder this time.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."