SACRAMENTO, CA—The California Department of Education has rejected 100% of biology textbooks from the state's public school curriculum because they perpetuate outdated backward ideas that there are only two genders, said Governor Gavin Newsom on Monday.
"Children are the future," said Gov Newsom in a statement to the press. "It is inappropriate that we share these stone-age scientific ideas from radicalized scientists. Everyone knows there are an infinite number of genders. The science is settled."
Orders of biology textbooks for grades 7-12 have been canceled. Joining them is a ban on all textbooks for grades 1-6. These books feature numerous subjects ranging from social studies to Math but they also have bigoted mentions of male and female genders which education officials have been allegedly traumatized by.
"In the next school year, our grade-schoolers will move away from conventional textbooks in favor of printouts of legislature-approved Twitter threads. It'll save us a lot of money in the long run."
Gov Newsom then came out as a dumpster bear in solidarity with non-normative trans persons of color.
"I am one of you," he said while putting on a greasy bear head.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."