BURBANK, CA — A scandal broke this morning when an anonymous source leaked that Disney had artificially ballooned the weekend box office haul for Dr. Strange In The Multiverse Of Madness by including sales from throughout the multiverse in the final ticket count.
“Our rivals have called this an egregious breach of trust, trying to delegitimize ticket sales from other universes, but we reject all such universe-supremacy.” Disney CEO Bob Chapek spoke to reporters at a press conference to address the situation. “We are proud to stand with every revenue-generating universe, and anyone trying to discredit this commitment to inclusiveness is on the wrong side of history.”
Reporters pressed Chapek on how far his commitment to inclusiveness would go. “It is a core value that we produce high-tier art dedicated to inclusivity, profit, equity, and profit – did I already say that?” Chapek then clarified that before release in each universe’s equivalent of China, Disney will continue to edit out anything that’s too inclusive or has too much equity, to avoid impacting inter-multiversal box office profits.
At publishing time, rival superhero studio DC confessed that the “anonymous source” who spilled the news was a mole they had planted within Marvel. DC has also confirmed that they will continue their attacks until Marvel teaches them how to make good superhero movies.
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