SEATTLE, WA—Amazon announced today that Kindle users will now have the ability to virtually participate in book burnings, that time-honored tradition of tolerant, open societies.
The Kindle platform will feature a new area called the “Kindle Bonfire”, where users can throw select books into a virtual inferno.
“Good old-fashioned book burnings have really gone by the wayside,” said Amazon spokesman Heinrich von Schnitzelkopf. “Seems there aren’t as many print books out there, for some reason. So here at Amazon, we wanted to find a way to still involve people in destroying dangerous books, like books about chromosomes. Now, people from across the globe can join together via Kindle Bonfire, around the warm glow of outdated literature.”
Amazon has selected a library of objectionable books that users may not read but can burn, including all science and history textbooks, as well as pretty much anything written before 2018. After picking a few books, users will then control an avatar that flings books into the Kindle Bonfire while shouting slogans like, “Hate has no home here!” Avatars may then give each other socially distanced air-fives, and celebrate the coming peace that always follows an ascendant cultural force burning all dissent.
While a few distributors still exist that will sell the books slated for burning, Amazon plans to buy those distributors or bash them in with a shovel. The U.S. government has offered to provide any assistance necessary to ensure no small business stands in the way of Amazon blazing the way to utopia.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
