BURBANK, CA—Gina Carano has been removed from her role as Cara Dune in the beloved Disney+ series The Mandalorian. Disney wasted no time in filling the role, with Lucasfilm execs quickly announcing that the part will now be played by comedienne Amy Schumer.
Schumer will don Cara Dune's armor and begin filming season 3 immediately.
"The last actress who played Cara Dune was toxic and problematic," said Kathleen Kennedy. "So we're now filling the role with a stunning and brave actress who stands for everything we do: goodness, truth, beauty, pronouns, love being love, and mercilessly destroying anyone who disagrees with us."
Many fans expressed concern that Schumer won't do a good job in the role, but Disney spokespeople were quick to remind their audience that anyone who cancels Disney+ over this is a Nazi and in danger of losing their job. "If you want to show you're not a fascist, you have to keep giving money to a megacorporation that hates you. If you don't do that, you're already on your way down the alt-right pipeline."
Sources claim in season 3, instead of punching bad guys, Amy Schumer will kill them by just doing her standup comedy.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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