BURBANK, CA—Gina Carano has been removed from her role as Cara Dune in the beloved Disney+ series The Mandalorian. Disney wasted no time in filling the role, with Lucasfilm execs quickly announcing that the part will now be played by comedienne Amy Schumer.
Schumer will don Cara Dune's armor and begin filming season 3 immediately.
"The last actress who played Cara Dune was toxic and problematic," said Kathleen Kennedy. "So we're now filling the role with a stunning and brave actress who stands for everything we do: goodness, truth, beauty, pronouns, love being love, and mercilessly destroying anyone who disagrees with us."
Many fans expressed concern that Schumer won't do a good job in the role, but Disney spokespeople were quick to remind their audience that anyone who cancels Disney+ over this is a Nazi and in danger of losing their job. "If you want to show you're not a fascist, you have to keep giving money to a megacorporation that hates you. If you don't do that, you're already on your way down the alt-right pipeline."
Sources claim in season 3, instead of punching bad guys, Amy Schumer will kill them by just doing her standup comedy.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."