If you’re like most people, you’re probably worried your cat is a spawn from hell. We consulted our Bibles and prayed really hard, and God revealed to us these hints that your cat is actually Satan himself. Here are the signs to look for:
Weird slit snake eyes -- Alone this isn't a huge deal, but coupled with the other signs, it could be bad. Keep reading.
Sharp hidden weapons in paws -- This is a telltale sign.
Always lands on feet as if by witchcraft -- You should be worried.
Vibrates with evil when touched -- Evil vibrations are a bad sign.
Has pointed ears like devil horns -- Should be obvious, but keep an eye out for this one.
Sudden outbursts of violence against small moving things -- Much as Satan seeks whom he may devour, cats pounce on laser dots and fingers.
Says “Mao” a lot in honor of murderous dictator Chairman Mao. -- Uh-oh...
Refuses to wear clothes -- Naked, just like all temptresses and Satan.
Brings you small dead creatures as a blood sacrifice -- Alright, now it's time to start freaking out.
If your cat shows these signs of being the devil himself, the CDC recommends you secure your cat in a burlap sack and throw it in the nearest bog.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
