WASHINGTON, D.C.—After a month of suspense, sources confirmed that Biden will finally give his first address to Congress as soon as he wakes up in the springtime.
"Yes, we can confirm that with 83 percent certainty," said White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki. "When the snow melts, and the birds are chirping in the trees, and the sun peeks out from behind the fluffy clouds, the President will emerge from his den and give his first address to Congress as President!"
According to experts, Biden will be coming out of a seasonable hibernation common to homo sapiens of his age, and emerge from the basement in search of his first meal. After a hearty breakfast of pre-chewed French toast and a trip to the bathroom, he will rejoin the world once again.
Several aides anonymously reported that they aren't actually sure if the President is still alive, but they are too afraid to check due to a "Do Not Disturb" sign hung on his basement door.
Some people suggested journalists should find out what's going on, but they are hibernating until 2024.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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