U.S.—In an effort to spice up the Golden Globes and keep in step with the #MeToo movement, a new award has been introduced in recent years. The highly coveted award category is reserved for actors who exemplify "not being a pervert."
“Unfortunately everyone, I have some bad news," explained Golden Globes virtual host Amy Poehler. "It appears that the 'Not Being A Pervert' award will go unclaimed this year as no one was even nominated. Nobody, not a single person was even seriously considered for this award.”
“We sent out multiple requests for nominations months in advance, but still we heard no reply,” said spokesperson Kathy Summers for the Golden Globes. “Strangely, it seems that no celebrity wanted us to vet them for any sexual scandals or wrongdoings. Weird.”
According to sources, some Christians tried nominating Kirk Cameron, but the Golden Globes Committee thought giving him the award would just make all the other actors look bad and create an impossible standard to live up to. Moving forward, the "Not Being A Pervert" award will likely be shelved until a time when there is a cultural, moral revolution within Hollywood.
Desperate to find a new way to keep viewers interested, the team at the Golden Globes is considering some other categories that may be more relevant, such as "Most Oppressed Celebrity", "Biggest Political Activist Acting As An Actor", and "Obama’s Favorite Actor."
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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WASHINGTON, D.C.—AFT President Randi Weingarten spoke out today to clarify that the teachers union official “pro-choice” stance only applies to killing babies, not to parents being able to decide where their children attend school.
The controversy stemmed from a poorly-worded email intended to bolster support for abortion rights among the union’s Democrat base. The email stated, “The right to choose for oneself is a fundamental right of American citizens.” Some union members grew concerned, thinking the choice being referenced was the right of parents to select what school their children attend.
The union issued a swift apology this morning. “To be clear, we were only talking about a woman’s right to choose to kill her unborn child,” Weingarten said. “Once a child is born, we firmly believe that no parent, man or woman, has any right whatsoever to decide where a child attends school.”
Weingarten went on to note that, “in fact, other than abortion and selecting ...
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Earlier this week, President Biden was spotted at Home Depot using color swatches to help him choose the next Supreme Court justice.
"Hmmm... should I go with the 'Neutral Tans' or the 'Balmy Browns' Collection?" Biden said to himself.
"Everything is riding on this!"
Store employees report the president was looking through the color swatches for hours, only stopping to eat ice cream. Secret Service agents blocked off the aisle and refused to let other customers shop for their home projects.
Biden reportedly asked an employee for help but the white man was too afraid to risk being accidentally racist.
Home Depot Associate Jake Stone said of his encounter, "He was trying to ask what the best shade of black is for total submissiveness to his progressive executive agenda. At first, I thought he was going to repaint the Oval Office. I told him black wouldn't be great for a room."
"No, for people!" Biden allegedly yelled. "Black people! Come on, man!"
The president ...
BURBANK, CA—Trans woman Amy Schneider's winning streak on Jeopardy has ended. Despite holding the record for Jeopardy’s highest-earning female contestant ever, Schneider was defeated after being confounded by the clue, ‘this gender has two X chromosomes.'
“I knew I was in trouble as soon as I saw the category of ‘Grade School Biology’,” said Schneider. “I avoided the category until the very end, as basic biology has never been my strong suit.”
Many in the audience saw the disaster coming a mile ahead. “What was Amy thinking betting so much in Final Jeopardy under that category?” said Daniele Dacus, a fan of Amy’s. “You never bet that high on such a complicated, theoretical subject, where so little of that field is understood.”
Sources claim that the host even gave a clue that ‘this is one of 2 genders’, but Amy still did not get the question correct. Amy started to answer the question by writing, “What is different and unique to each person based upon...
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