NEW YORK, NY—Penguin Random House has announced a revised, more socially acceptable version of the popular Dr. Seuss book Oh, the Places You'll Go, which was pulled from store shelves for racism and also for the suggestion that you should go places during a pandemic.
Here is part of the revised text provided by the publisher:
Today is your day.
You're off to find bad tweets!
You're off and away!
You have a journalism degree,
And Twitter's search function,
You can go find bad guys,
And throw 'em into a dungeon.
You're a journalist now, and you know what to do,
Go find dead racists, like ol' Dr. Seuss.
You'll look up and down tweets. Look at 'em with care.
About some you will say, "This is racist, I swear!"
With your pen full of ink and your Macbook in tow,
You'll write fiery op-eds saying, "Burn this book, bro!"
And you'll cancel old authors
And bad butter mascots
And racist sports logos
And gendered potatoes.
"Do better!" you'll say,
And they'll all go away.
Out there in the world,
There are no safe spaces,
People of color need you,
To protect their own races.
And when you see something
That you don't really like,
Take a deep breath
And go scream at the sky.
THE PEOPLE YOU'LL CANCEL!
Purchasing the new version of Oh, the Places You'll Go! after burning your old copy is, of course, mandatory, the publisher confirmed at publishing time.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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PHILADELPHIA—Researchers with Independence National Historic Park have located an ancient document they say renders all national mandates and restrictions void. The document, dating to 1776, is being referred to as ‘The Declaration of Independence’ by park historians who allege it details the existence of unalienable rights and that governments derive their power from the consent of the governed. Sources indicate the document was found in the park archives, allegedly buried under a stack of Benjamin Franklin’s raunchy poems.
“We don’t usually go near those,” said historian Clay Garrett regarding Franklin’s forbidden writings. “I was definitely not reading them when I found the crumpled-up parchment that later turned out to be our nation’s Declaration of Independence."
Garrett continued, “The fascinating thing about this document is that it says King George III was a tyrant who did a bunch of things President Biden is doing right now. So I’m not really sure what to ...
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—In response to record levels of unprosecuted shoplifting, Walgreens stores in San Francisco have introduced a new "Frequent Looter Rewards Card."
"If you can't beat 'em, I guess all you can do is join 'em," said Sandra Lopez, regional manager in charge of 8 locations in the Bay Area. "We don't even have regular shoppers anymore—just looters."
The new punch cards will help looters keep track of their visits and allow store owners to better track their shrink levels so they can more easily make insurance claims.
"Yes, I realize this makes no sense. Some might even call it insane," said Lopez, "but nothing makes sense here in San Francisco. I'm not even sure what I'm doing here anymore. The only reason I even still live here is that there are no more U-Hauls available."
San Francisco's DA has confirmed that looters who visit a Walgreens 10 times will be awarded a free pack of cigarettes and a mail-in voter registration.
U.S.—Americans are reacting to newly unearthed statements Biden made during his presidential campaign, in which he claimed that Corn Pop's death was more impactful for the cause of justice than MLK's.
"Listen folks, no joke. I ain't kiddin' around here. For real. I know what I'm talking about. Listen carefully. I'll say this once. No joke," Biden began. "As I stood over the body of the infamous gangster Corn Pop after wrapping a chain around his head, I knew his death would have a much greater far-reaching impact than even the death of MLK. Corn Pop was a bad dude, but his death launched my path to the presidency. If I hadn't become president, the blacks would be back in chains. And a bunch of other blacks would be white due to voting for Trump. He died for a good cause!"
Civil rights leaders have tried to distance themselves from Biden in light of his remarks, at least until his remarks are no longer a part of the news cycle, at which point they will no longer distance themselves....
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