HOUSTON, TX—Dozens of Bible verses have come forward over the past several weeks to accuse Joel Osteen of abuse. Verses from books ranging from Genesis and Exodus all the way to Jude and Revelation have spoken out, saying that Osteen abused them, exploited them, and heartlessly ripped them out of context for years.
"I'm a survivor of Osteen abuse," said Jeremiah 29:11 tearfully. "I have kept it to myself for too long. I am clearly talking about ancient Israel and God's plan for them in Babylonian captivity, and yet, Osteen used me to make the point that you should treat yourself to that new car or house. It was gaslighting, coercion, and abuse, through and through, and I'm ready to speak up about it now."
"Other Scriptures have stood with me, and to them, I say, 'MeToo!'" the verse concluded before being comforted and embraced by Philippians 4:13, John 3:16, and the entire book of Proverbs.
To defend himself against the allegations, Osteen has come out as a Democrat.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
