WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congressional Republicans struck a deal today, declaring that Democrats will get everything they want, but Mr. Potato Head will stay a male.
The deal means that Democrats' entire radical leftist agenda will proceed as planned, as long as the Hasbro toy is canonically male.
"This is a major victory for conservatives," said Mitch McConnell over the deal that will give Democrats $2 trillion in spending to do whatever they want with, major changes to our national electoral process that will seal Democrats' majority forever, and the Equality Act that will erase women from existence. But, as McConnell was quick to point out, Mr. Potato Head is now biologically male forever.
"We should be celebrating here -- Mr. Potato Head will stay a Mister, and he and Mrs. Potato Head will live happily ever after in their nuclear family with their little tater-tots, living out the American dream of one man and one woman. You're welcome, conservatives!"
"Are you tired of winning yet?"
Unfortunately, shortly after the deal went through, some fine print in the Equality Act decreed that Mr. Potato Head was actually agender after all.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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