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Texas Governor Hailed As Conservative Hero For Ending Unconstitutional Mandates He Implemented

AUSTIN, TX—Conservatives celebrated a major victory for the cause this week as Texas Governor Greg Abbott ended the unconstitutional mandates he himself implemented last year.

Republicans, libertarians, and other right-leaning Texans lauded the governor's move to fight tyranny by striking down his own mandates.

"Great job, Governor Abbott -- you really ended those tyrannical edicts that you yourself put in place last year!" said one Texan as he chugged a Bud Light and drove his tractor around for no good reason. "I'm proud to have you as my governor!"

"Look, whoever put these in place was a real bully!" said Governor Abbott. "I'm taking a bold stand against these tyrants by allowing businesses to fully reopen and knocking down the unconstitutional mask mandate!"

"Texas, we've been freed from the tyrannical dictates of 2020 me!"

At publishing time, Abbot said he was considering ordering everyone to turn in their guns, only to strike it down the next day, in order to get more positive press.

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🎙Christianity, Star Wars Prequels, and Staying In California | The Dave Rubin Interview

Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books

The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.

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February 19, 2025

Barron Tries To Blend In On Campus By Putting His Knees In His Shoes And Walking Around Like A Normal-Height Person

"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."

https://babylonbee.com/news/barron-tries-to-blend-in-on-campus-by-putting-his-knees-in-his-shoes-and-walking-around-like-a-normal-height-person

February 19, 2025

Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals

"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."

https://babylonbee.com/news/healthy-vegan-food-carefully-constructed-in-laboratory-using-957-chemicals

February 19, 2025

Congress Warns Trump's Attempts To End War In Ukraine Could Result In End Of War In Ukraine

"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."

https://babylonbee.com/news/congress-warns-trumps-attempts-to-end-war-in-ukraine-could-result-in-end-of-war-in-ukraine

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