AUSTIN, TX—Conservatives celebrated a major victory for the cause this week as Texas Governor Greg Abbott ended the unconstitutional mandates he himself implemented last year.
Republicans, libertarians, and other right-leaning Texans lauded the governor's move to fight tyranny by striking down his own mandates.
"Great job, Governor Abbott -- you really ended those tyrannical edicts that you yourself put in place last year!" said one Texan as he chugged a Bud Light and drove his tractor around for no good reason. "I'm proud to have you as my governor!"
"Look, whoever put these in place was a real bully!" said Governor Abbott. "I'm taking a bold stand against these tyrants by allowing businesses to fully reopen and knocking down the unconstitutional mask mandate!"
"Texas, we've been freed from the tyrannical dictates of 2020 me!"
At publishing time, Abbot said he was considering ordering everyone to turn in their guns, only to strike it down the next day, in order to get more positive press.
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."