WASHINGTON, D.C.—Rep. Eric Swalwell has filed a lawsuit against Donald Trump and several others, claiming they made him cry for his life and pee-pee his pants and also prepare to use his nunchucks should rioters breach his office door.
"I was, like, in my office, ready to use my nunchucks if I had to," he told reporters at a press conference this morning. "I got them out and I was like 'ka-cha! ka-cha!' all whipping 'em around just in case they came in. I looked pretty awesome, I'm not gonna lie. Do you want to see?"
Reporters said they did not want to see, but Swalwell pressed ahead, getting out his nunchucks and giving a full demonstration. "Pow! Wabang! Hiiiiiya!" he cried with every pose as he whirled the nunchaku around in the air. "Take that, Trump! Bam! There goes a rioter. Pow! Right in the MAGA hat!"
He took a bow, though no reporters clapped. When asked where he learned to use the nunchucks, he said his girlfriend showed him, but she goes to another school and you can't meet her.
At publishing time, Swalwell had confirmed that if things got really bad, he was prepared to bust out his bo staff.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
Barron Tries To Blend In On Campus By Putting His Knees In His Shoes And Walking Around Like A Normal-Height Person
"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
Congress Warns Trump's Attempts To End War In Ukraine Could Result In End Of War In Ukraine
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."
