WASHINGTON, D.C.—Joe Biden has come to the defense of Pepe Le Pew after liberals wanted to cancel him, with the president saying he was "always my favorite character, a real stand-up guy."
Biden strongly condemned attempts to censor the Looney Tunes character, saying he doesn't even understand what the issue with Pepe is.
"The way Pepe pursues women and sniffs them and hugs them -- man, he's the best," Biden said. "I don't know why people are trying to cancel him. Pepe is an upstanding example of how men should treat women. Mmmm, women. I learned a lot from Pepe. Back in my day, the Looney Tunes only came on in black and white. We only got one channel, you know, and mom and dad would make me stand there and hold up two metal spoons to get the channel in. I'd put aluminum foil on my head and stand there and finally, we'd get to see those funny little cartoons."
Pepe Le Pew quickly distanced himself from Biden after the president's statements, saying he doesn't want to be associated with a creepy old man like Joe.
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."