WASHINGTON, D.C.—Biden has been removed from the White House for evaluation by a team of physicians after biting one of the aides.
"We are so shocked," said Chief of Staff Ron Klain of the incident. "He has always been so docile and well behaved-- always limiting his interactions to sniffing and friendly licks. He's never bitten anyone like this."
Experts have suggested that the new environment and activity has been traumatizing to the President, and are suggesting adjusting his diet and perhaps a few weeks at obedience school to remedy the situation.
"Worst case scenario, we may have to put him down," said Dr. Kevin O’Connor, the White House physician. "Hopefully it doesn't come to that, but sometimes these things happen."
Vice President Kamala Harris has assured the American people that Biden will be sent to a nice farm upstate where he can run free.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."