PIERRE, SD—In a controversial decision, Governor Kristi Noem will sign a bill prohibiting wild mountain lions from competing in women's sports. The legislation will restrict women's sports to human biological women.
"We think women's sports should be limited to human biological women," said Noem. "So, we wrote a bill to ensure that. Happy International Women's Day!"
Critics are condemning the legislation as "small-headed", "bigoted", and "hateful."
"Mountain lion women are women! Mountain lion women are women! Mountain lion women are women!" said one critic on Twitter, repeating the saying three times for maximum effect.
PETA has announced they will sue the state to protect mountain lion's rights to compete in sports.
Several mountain lion activists are prowling the state capital and have promised to prey on the city's inhabitants until their rights are restored.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."