WASHINGTON, D.C.—After hearing there was a crisis on the border, a confused Joe Biden visited the On the Border Mexican Grill and Cantina near him to see what all the fuss was about. After surveying the restaurant and enjoying the faux Tex-Mex experience, the president said he was happy to report that there is no crisis on the border to speak of.
"I don't see any crisis here -- just delicious bottomless chips and salsa!" he said as he arrived at the restaurant. "Not a kid in a cage in sight -- all the kids here have great kids' menu selections and fun crayons and coloring book activities! What a great time for all!"
Biden also reported that On the Border had fantastic senior discounts and giant margarita choices that made for a "real hoot of a time -- it's a real gas!"
The media quickly praised Biden's handling of the On the Border crisis, pointing out that Trump never bothered going to On the Border during his presidency.
At publishing time, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez had arrived to take a selfie of her crying at On the Border.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."