ATLANTA, GA—The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has been studying the situation at the Southern Border and has now issued new recommendations: double-caging for migrant children. That’s when a child is placed inside a cage and then that cage is put inside of a second, larger cage.
“According to our studies,” said CDC researcher Edmund Fisher, “double-caging increases the effectiveness of child detention by at least 25%. That’s too large a factor to ignore.”
The CDC also reiterated that the caging of children should be done both indoors and outside, with proper distancing between the cages.
Progressive groups, who had reacted with alarm to children being caged under the Trump administration, also pushed back against this CDC recommendation. “What are we, Nazi Germany?” said left-wing activist Shaun Craig. “Are we really so stingy that we are only giving children two cages? It seems like three cages would work even better and make sure those kids could never escape.”
Border Patrol, though, is not so convinced. “We don’t have a lot of extra cages for this,” said Border Patrol agent Anne Wheeler. “Where are we supposed to get all these cages?” They were assured, though, by the Biden administration that nearly half of the funds from the $1.9 trillion stimulus package that no one read will go towards purchasing more cages.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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