WASHINGTON, D.C.—After March 4th came and went with no right-wing violence at the U.S. Capitol, leftist conspiracy theorists are still expressing faith that the prophesied violence from Trump supporters will happen any day now.
"The end is near! The end is near!" chanted one crazy conspiracy theorist as he paced in front of the Capitol fence with a wooden sign. "QAnon is coming! They will descend upon the Capitol in 40 days unless Americans repent for questioning the spotless integrity of the election!"
"It is a deranged conspiracy theory to think that Trump terrorists won't storm the Capitol again any day now," said Jake Tapper, another well-known conspiracy theorist, and part-time satirist. "We must be prepared. We must repent."
According to experts, scientists, and expert scientists, the prophecy of further QAnon violence is an indisputable scientific fact. "We calculated the first date wrong, but we know it will be happening soon," said Garv Donglebuttz, a scientist.
"If you deny the prophecy," he continued, "you must be canceled. FLY FROM THE WRATH TO COME!"
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"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."