U.S.—Millions are selling off their Bitcoin in order to invest in Dr. Seuss books, financial analysts are confirming today, leading to a major crash in the cryptocurrency.
The banned books are becoming a hot commodity, with millions liquidating all their other assets to invest in them. Many cashed out their 401Ks and other retirement accounts in order to buy more Dr. Seuss books, convinced that their future will only be secure when all their cash is tied up in Dr. Seuss.
"Bitcoin is out -- Dr. Seuss books are hot! Buy, buy, buy!" one man shouted at his broker over the phone. "Let's liquidate all our cryptocurrency and go for Dr. Seuss! I want Mulberry Street, I want If I Ran the Zoo, I even want McElligot's Pool! Buy them all!"
Everyone who's invested in Bitcoin spent the day frantically trying to get in on the big sell-off, with many struggling to do so as they still don't 100% understand what exactly Bitcoin is or how it works.
The move has proven to be smart, as the U.S. dollar lost 10% of its value upon the printing of another $2 trillion today. Bitcoin also had a rough day as everyone cashed out for Dr. Seuss books, with Bitcoin dipping to $20,000 -- no, wait, $35,000 -- no, wait, $72,272 -- no, wait, it's back to $20,000 again -- before the end of the business day.
Dogecoin, however, is still predicted to go "to the moon" due to the meme factor.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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